MOHI"CANS"
The curse of the can is to wear a tawdry brown bag of shame. Canned cocktails are shit. Can beer is inferior. Good cocktails are made fresh. Beer tastes better on tap or even out of a bottle. This is the truth!
Let’s face it, the can is the redheaded stepchild of the low brow booze world. So why bother?
CONVENIENCE!
These ubiquitous vessels travel well. They are easily stacked and packaged, crushed and disappeared, shot gunned, renegaded, wizard staffed…
They’re a good fucking time.
Take some of these cans… What the fuck is a “Neon Burst?” I can only explain it as awful, yet knowing that probably makes me part of some very elite hobo gang, an esoteric heavily malted 1%.
Unless you’re drinking some shitty InBev product, don’t hide it! You’re probably less conspicuous without bringing the old bag along.
Cops won’t notice the small packaging difference between a can of Arnold Palmer or “Spiked” Arnold palmer. So many weird options, so many bright colors, that they’ve become practically impossible to distinguish from other drinks without closer analysis. The endless expansion of beverages has even brought alcoholic versions to many familiar brands.
A little late to the party for extorting drunks and children but alcohol is a deep well of money, problems, and depression…so…
WELCOME ABOARD!
A bottle is the better weapon but I have dropped someone by fastball pitching half a mancan into their face.
IT DOES THE JOB!
Do not forsake the can, make peace with. Learn to love it! Harden your metallic taste buds!
The skateboarder’s spirit animal is THE TALL BOY.
When you’re hungover and sick of drinking out of shitty cans, you must persevere! This is when you accidentally come upon the holy grail, a Jack Daniels and Coca-Cola. Don’t be scarrrrrrrred! Do not shy away.
BE SAVED.
Florida Man vs. Hard monster
A double IPA donning the “FLORIDA MAN” moniker and a sugar free Monster energy drink hard seltzer, what could go wrong?
*Plus special bonus footage of Jared skating a curb next to a burnt snake…
It seems like an ol’ faithful (Florida Man) and something so terrible (Monster Hard Seltzer) make a properly double-fisted entry point to these ramblings, and the duplicitous nature of drinking in general, so let’s begin.
While the Florida Man is good enough by namesake alone, it’s also heavy on the liver, instituting a viable liquid stretch in about half the time of lesser bevys. 8.5% alcohol content is a real plus when you’re old and alcoholic and you wander away, leaving this man can in some sun cooked corner to boil down to cough-syrup-like consistency.
Thus in the land of perpetual summer and perpetual mistakes, that’s probably to righteously enjoy a beer called “Florida Man”: sitting yourself down at the shittiest dumpster or Circle K parking lot of your choosing and really get it going. Maybe things will get interesting. Maybe make the call. Maybe get angry and drunk and punch/rape an alligator. Maybe crash your pickup truck into Disney World for being a fag…Ahhhh, Florida! Take it in…..(While supplies last)
That being said, it’s a much better first beer rather than an ender-ender when you’re half-drunk and dehydrated. Pairing another Florida Man Can with “Hard Monster” predictably put a bitter nail in the coffin. (Malinsky wants me to mention getting so drunk that I couldn’t blunt a parking curb).
Now, about Hard Monster, IT’S BAD!!! And not in a George Thorogood and the Destroyers kind of way. Coincidentally, I award its zero sugar content a zero rating on taste and drinkability. Besides, if you’re drinking tallboys of Monster Hard Seltzer, sugar is the least of your worries. Grow up, get a case of Mountain Dew and a teener, ya fucking baby! Florida Man would!